


Don't Let Go

by brightsun_and_darkmidnight



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:09:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25992667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightsun_and_darkmidnight/pseuds/brightsun_and_darkmidnight
Summary: Imagine Loki's life if he did not let go at the rainbow bridge... (After the Bifrost being destroyed.)
Relationships: Loki (Marvel)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A friend of mine, Melodylnoelle, has been working on this as well. She is a talented writer and I am enjoying working with her! Check out her work on Tumblr.

Loki sat staring at the food his mother sent for him and the events played in his mind making his heart constrict.

All he wanted was to delay Thor's coronation. 

Loki knew his brother was not ready with how hot headed he could get. His reaction to finding the frost giants had gotten into the vault was evidence of how Thor would jump blindly into a war… started the war and that day, the start of the house of Odin's lies coming to light for many. Loki was the only one who acknowledged some of the lies, but he did not know the lies about himself.

Loki played with his hand, the hand that turned blue with the giant’s touch weeks ago. 

Loki was torn, caught somewhere from dreading that day and being somewhat thankful for the truth. However, the truth was he IS the monster everyone feared as children and hated as adults. The son of Laufey, a frost giant, the ruler of Jotunheim. Odin's enemy… was Loki an enemy of Odin?

-:-

_ “But,” Odin stepped forward, away from the Casket of Ancient Winters, “the day will come when one of you will have to defend that peace.” _

_ “Do the frost giants still live?” Loki questioned quietly. _

_ Thor looked to his brother. “When I’m King, I’ll hunt the monsters down and slay them all!” He made show of swinging his arm as though it had a sword. “Just as you did, father.” _

_ “A wise King never seeks out war. But-“ he paused, looking between the two of them – “he must always be ready for it.” He strode past them, heading to the vault’s exit. _

_ Loki and Thor smiled at each other. Loki knew Thor’s was in warning of some healthy competition, and he would certainly give it to him. He knew his brother would be King – he was the elder of the two, after all. But he also knew that one day, he would be a great King. _

_ With Loki’s counsel, of course. _

_ Loki smiled at his brother. If what Thor wanted was healthy competition, then so be it. Thor would have to let that be his teacher. _

_ More than anything, Loki looked forward to Thor’s coronation, and standing by his side as he rules. _

_ They both turned, running to their father and taking his hands. _

_ “I’m ready, father!” _

_ “So am I!” Loki added. _

_ “Only one of you can ascend to the throne, but both of you were born to be kings.” _

_ They left the vault, and Odin brought the boys to the dining hall. While Odin had said no more on the subject, Thor and Loki spoke to each other about what their father had told them. _

_ “One day, brother, we will be warriors, and we will bring an end to the frost giants!” _

_ Loki nodded excitedly. “We will make Father proud for sure.” An idea crossed his mind, and he smiled wickedly. “Shall we start practice now?” _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ “I will be the frost giant, and you be Odin. Try to best me.” Loki picked up a roll from the table and threw it at Thor, landing square in his face. At Thor’s startled outburst, Loki jumped from his seat, running the length of the table. _

_ Thor recovered quickly, grabbing another piece of food and throwing it in Loki’s direction. Loki anticipated it, though, and dodged perfectly. _

_ “Oh, come now, you call that the might of Odin? You can do better than that!” Loki took another roll and lobbed it at Thor. _

_ This time, Thor was ready, and it breezed past his shoulder and across the room. _

_ “So speaks you, Frost Giant, who could clearly only hit me by surprise!” _

_ They picked up their pace, throwing more food and laughing jovially. Smile on his face, Loki turned to grab another piece of food. _

_ But his smile faded as he turned and ran right into Odin, who was glaring down at the boy. _

_ “That’s enough!” He said to them both. _

_ Thor dropped the bird leg that had been in his hand, straightening immediately. “Father, I am sorry. We were just playing.” _

_ “Is that how princes should behave?” Odin’s voice was stern, but there was some softness to his voice still. _

_ “It was just a bit of fun, Father. We meant no harm,” Loki pleaded with him. _

_ Odin’s voice lost the softness as he turned his face to Loki again. “You started this, did you not? You know this is not the time or place for your foolery!” _

_ “I am sorry, Father. I did not mean-“ _

_ “You will be punished for your behavior here. Go wait in your chambers until I am done here,” Odin demanded. _

_ “Yes, Father.” Loki bowed his head, turning to go. _

_ “As for you,” he heard Odin say as he left, ” I trust you not to get involved in his trickery again. You are a prince, I expect you to act like it.” _

-:-

  
  


Of course Loki is an enemy of Odin... Odin favored Thor forever and before Thor was born. Thor was his own blood while Loki was the blood of another race entirely. And he was everything Odin wanted him to be. Loki was never loved by anyone in the way everyone cared for Thor. Even Thor himself openly told Loki how much he despised him for forcing the only way to Jane to be destroyed.

If Thor hated him so much why did he plead with Loki to hold on and don't let go?

-:-

_ In a blinding flash, the bridge cracked and collapsed. The pulsing glow of rainbow light ceased. The waves roared loudly as they were pushed away. The bifrost, now stilling, crashed and exploded as it fell into the void of space below. _

_ There was a sensation of flying, and then falling. The screams ripped through his throat out of his control. _

_ This was it, he was done. _

_ Or so he thought. He came to a jarring halt as Thor gripped onto Gungnir. But that made no sense. Should Thor not just be falling with him? _

_ That was when he saw Odin standing at the cracked edge of the rainbow bridge. He had caught Thor’s leg, keeping them both from following the bifrost into its oblivion. Thor grunted in pain from the position, but Odin made no move to pull them up. Loki looked up to see what was keeping him, but was met with nothing but disappointment on Odin’s face. _

_ “I could have done it father!” He called up to him. “I could have done it! For you! For all of us!” He hoped that his father would forgive him soon and pull them both up. _

_ But his face did not change, and he was met with two heavy words. “No, Loki.” _

_ The weight of what he meant crashed onto him. Odin was not disappointed that he  failed . He was disappointed that he  tried.  What he had thought would prove his worth to his father had in fact done just the opposite. _

_ He felt sick. He felt shamed. How in Hel was he supposed to continue on among the Asgardians now, knowing that he is not one of them? Knowing that Odin would likely never forgive him. Never want him. Knowing that he was the reason they would feel trapped here, and they would all know it, too. Was Odin waiting to pull them up because he truly did not want to? Loki had only longed to matter to Odin. To be Thor’s equal. But he never would, would he? Now he longed for nothing more than to follow the bifrost into death. _

_ Well, that. That was something he could still do. _

_ He took one last look to both of them. His breaths slowed and came more easily. Resigning to the end, and started to loosen his grip on Gungnir. _

_ “Loki, no.” _

_ Thor’s voice had given Loki pause for a moment. He had seen the change on Loki’s face, and now wore a pleading expression of his own. _

_ But Odin’s had not changed. It didn’t matter. _

_ “Brother, please, do not do this!” Thor continued pleading. “We have all lost much on this day. Please do not make us lose you as well.” _

_ He was surprised at the sincerity, the urgency, in his voice. Had he not just fought to stop Loki? Wielded his hammer against him? He knew in Thor’s eyes Loki would hold all the blame for the bifrost’s destruction. He would never see the woman he seemed to love so much. Why did he want Loki to live? _

_ “Loki, please, I am sure father will be able to pull us up. Just hold on, brother. Hold on and don’t let go.” _

_ Whatever it had been that made him pause – Thor’s sincerity or the questions that now flowed through his mind – kept Loki’s hand on Gungnir. _

_ “Father, please, pull us up!” Thor asked, never turning his face from Loki. Odin still heard them, and slowly, the two were brought back onto the bridge. _

_ The brother’s stood, and Thor embraced Loki. Loki did not return it, confusion swimming in his mind again. _

_ “I may be angry with you, but you are my brother. We will get through this, Loki, of that I am sure.” _

_ -:- _


	2. Chapter 2

There was a distinct knock at the entrance door. 

"Loki?"

Loki stood to greet his mother, "in here."

Frigga entered and instantly glanced at the full tray of food but said nothing.

"We are going for a ride, I would love it if you accompanied me." She paused for a moment then walked to the window to fix the drapes open. "It is a beautiful day."

Loki played with his hand as he went to the balcony with Frigga. He looked down to the people, "I take it people are still upset with me."

"Thor as well. You both had your parts in this." Frigga turned to place a hand on Loki's arm, "your father."

Loki turned quickly to retreat into his rooms. Muttering as he sat, "he is not my father."

"We raised you, my dear Loki." Frigga took her place next to him. "You are our son. You know this."

Loki clenched his jaw to stop the same conversation from repeating itself because he hated that talk.

"Ride with me. We are going to the forest, near the waterfalls."

Loki didn't like the idea of others going as well, knowing it was going to be Thor and HIS friends. "I would like to refine my skills for battle."

"Alright." Frigga stood with a smile, "at least eat at some point. You will do no good in any fight without nutrition in your system."

"Yes mother. I will eat before I go train."

"You better or I will whip up that potion to make you eat, like I did when you were a child." She went to the door then turned to say, "you know which one."

Loki forced a smile, "yes. I know. I fear the side effects never wore off of Thor."

Frigga gave Loki her little smirk and shake of her head before leaving.

Loki looked at his plate and ate a little before going to train as he promised.

-:-

Loki did not go out of his rooms for longer than needed, but his mother requested his presence in the library. The entire journey Loki held himself high like a prince should, despite the stares, whispers and glares. Once at the Library Loki relaxed with the familiar scent of old books and the special warmth only a library could offer. 

Sitting in Loki's favorite area was Frigga with a tray of tea and danishes. Loki smiled at the sentiment and took his favorite chair.

"I am happy you could join me." Frigga sipped at her tea, "the ride went well last week."

"Great news mother. Did you see your favorite fish again?"

"Oh yes. I actually seen a bilgesnipe as well." Frigga stated proudly with forced fear to tease.

Loki checked her over with a glance, "A bilgesnipe?"

"Yes. Huge things. This one was injured and was taken care of."

"My apologies, I did not go with you."

"Without substance how well would you have faired?"

"I did eat mother."

"And you will eat here now." Frigga gestured towards the plates with his favorites.

Loki picked a particularly delicious looking pastry. He stopped before taking a bite and sent an accusing stare, "did you have your potion put in these?"

Frigga sent a warm smile, "they are your favorite things to eat, so enjoy them."

Loki gave her a glance as he chanced a smell of the food in question.

Frigga chided, "Loki."

Loki did not sense anything strange about the pastry so he ate it slowly but waited for a strange hunger to overtake him.

"Your father plans to have both you and your brother make an appearance together, to show all is well." Frigga set her tea down in exchange for something to nibble at. "Perhaps you and Thor could get together for a good talk."

Loki offered an answer out of necessity to do so, "Perhaps."

"You know there is not only a war about to start with the Jotunheim but a war among Asgardians about you and Thor."

"I know. There are those who agree with Thor stopping the genocide and those wishing I succeeded. All are upset about the Bifrost being lost." Loki took another danish and ate it slowly as well, noticing how Frigga was watching him carefully. "So why the grand show of family unity?"

Frigga smiled sweetly. "To show we are a strong family."

"Of course." Loki sipped his tea and seen Frigga's eyes sparkle. "I see it was in the tea."

"Sharp as ever but you know not to drink the tea already set out."

"To drink the tea in the kettle would have been worse. The warmer the potion the better it works."

Frigga smiled with a quiet laugh, "well at least you will be eating dinner in the hall tonight."

Loki was starting to feel the effects of the potion already. "I assume you had this planned." Loki picked some of the fruit to the side.

Loki noticed a quiet girl with curly light brown hair enter the Library.

Her voice just as quiet, "I apologize Allmother. The guards let me in. "

"It is alright sweetling. I asked you to accompany me here."

Loki stood feeling uncomfortable and Frigga stood as well.

Frigga turned to Loki, "Would you like to meet me for dinner dear?"

Loki knew he had no choice with the way his stomach begged for more food. "Yes mother, I will see you for dinner." Without a thought Loki walked past the girl who bowed her head.

-:-

Loki stuffed himself full in the dining hall later on, satiating his stomach only after multiple helpings of food. His mother’s potions really were strongly made. No one really spoke to him as he ate, but he did not mind. He was rarely in the mood for conversation these days and did nothing to bring attention to himself. He let Thor do all that, taking the spotlight for himself. It felt at the same time a new routine and a familiar shadow.

The next few weeks passed by as a blur of public appearances with the rest of his family. In Odin’s eyes, the only way Loki could atone for what he had done was to take the blame publically for his actions. He had forced Loki to make a public address to the people, a formal apology for the initial attack on the Jotuns. The action had swayed some of those to favor Thor for stopping Loki, but it did not do as much as Odin had hoped to quell the civil disagreement among them.

Odin took it one step further. Tensions were continuing to rise between the Jotuns and the Asgardians, their two worlds still on the brink of war. War and council meetings, public addresses – it no longer mattered. Everywhere he went, Odin made a point to set blame on Loki for not only his attack, but the entire war. Loki could feel the seething anger that was starting to build among those who believed his words. With all of that, Odin never made mention of Thor’s involvement. That it was  _ Thor _ who actually made the first attack, the first move, the first threat. That it had been  _ Loki _ who had tried to stop it then. Thor continued to be the golden child of Asgard, and Odin made mention of his pride for Thor often.

Through all of that, everyone was touched by the heavy weight as they mourned the bifrost. All the realms did. The Asgardians held a ceremony to honor what had happened with it. As soon as they were able, they began the long process of rebuilding their doorway to the universe. Heimdall often took it upon himself to assist, feeling the grief worst of all as he was supposed to be its keeper. For that, Loki could not help but feel a twinge of guilt. He had always liked Heimdall, and it hurt him to see him so sad.

At least for that, there was still some contempt among the people for Thor, but it was almost never voiced for fear of Odin’s wrath. Odin always defended its destruction, blaming that on Loki as well for giving Thor no choice.

The one thing that was never spoken of, though, was Loki’s true heritage. That secret was kept and those few that knew sworn to secrecy on threat of imprisonment by Odin. Not even Lady Sif and the Warriors Three were allowed to be in the know. It was hardly ever spoken of again, in fact, but it did not need to be. Loki could still feel the awkwardness from Thor, could feel Odin’s obvious bias for Thor. The thought of what he was still plagued him often as he sorted through how to deal with it. The remark he had made to Odin about being a stolen relic played through his mind frequently, too. He really was starting to feel as though he was locked away, just like the Casket.

-:


	3. Chapter 3

"Loki."

He stopped and turned towards Thor with apprehension.

"There is someone I would really like you to meet."

"Meet? Who could you want me to meet?"

Sif and the other three came looking for someone then noticed Loki and Thor.

Thor studied the group and then looked as if a piece was missing. "Where is she?"

Volstag yelled, "She ran off again!"

"Perhaps she just doesn't want to talk to anyone." Sif grumbled in annoyance.

Fandral's charm showed as he spoke with high regards, "She is a shy thing but she is beautiful."

Thor smiled and patted his friend, "Fandral is not wrong." Turning to Loki, Thor smiled. "Have you met mother's new student?"

Loki thought back to the quiet girl that would be seen only with his mother and no where else. "The lady with light brown curly hair?"

Thor smiled, "Yes that one. We all think it would be amazing if you could talk to her. Try to get her out of her shell."

Loki answered with a denial, "I haven't said a word to her, neither did she to me. Now if you excuse me I am going to meet with mother."

Loki walked away with annoyance. "As if I could get acquainted to someone those fools wish me to meet."

-:-

However… Loki noticed how quiet the woman was with all the times she would be present before Loki would walk off. There was something about her that pulled Loki's gaze to her. She was nothing like Thor and his friends. She was quiet, kept her distance, respectful, and she held her head down most of the time. Loki noticed her curly thick hair seemed to always be hiding her face. The most Loki seemed to see her move was to glide her hand over the hair blocking Loki's view. She was indeed shy.

-:-

The only times Loki ever seen her was when in Frigga's presence.

As well as hearing about her constantly running away from Thor, the warriors three, and Sif.

Loki was wondering if maybe he could become a friend of hers. Loki was not one to assume a lady was not able to handle themselves but Thor could be heavily annoying. Perhaps he could learn her secrets of evasion...

Thus, it was a game of trying to see more of the unique woman. 

"What are you doing?"

Loki nearly jumped out of his skin at being found but turned with a grin.

"Hello Mother. I was looking for you." The person he was actually searching for was not with her.

"If you are looking for Alexandrite she is in the gardens underneath the elder tree."

Loki fiddled with his hand as he looked normal otherwise. "What would give you the impression I was."

Frigga rose an eyebrow with a knowing smile, "why else would you be sneaking around all of my favorite places to teach?"

"Just looking for you to discuss dinner."

Frigga hummed, "I am certain you know I go to the healing wing at this time. However, I am late so you will do me a favor. It seems to be a coincidence that she is going to be with me for dinner in my study."

Loki's eyebrows raised then furrowed, "I didn't know that."

"Of course you did not. She doesn't know yet because as my favor,  _ you _ are going to ask  _ her _ ."

"I was asking  _ you _ for dinner."

"You better go before that girl wonders off, she is very difficult to find when she doesn't want to be found."

Frigga shooed him away and Loki began his search. True to his mother's words Alexandrite was under the tree. He approached quietly but she glanced up from the book. 

"Im sorry prince Loki. The Allmother said I could stay. I can leave so you can.-"

"No. Stay." Loki gave her a smile after his quick reply. "You like this spot as well?"

"It very beautiful. Everything is pleasant here."

Loki gestured to the bench, "may I join you?"

Her eye, uncovered by hair, looked near the tree before quickly going to the book on her lap. "If I could stay."

"Of course." Loki sat and watched her read the page of a book. It was an advanced healing spell on transformation. Loki tried to read her face but most of it was covered with her hair. Loki chose not to comment on the book but would ask his mother later. That book Loki put himself into many difficult situations when he was learning how to shape shift.

-:-

_ Loki had slithered around the garden, awed at how everything in the garden looked so much bigger in this form. _

_ He had finally perfected his shifting with his mother, having worked every day until she was confident that he could do it unsupervised. To celebrate, he decided just to give it a little more practice for the day in the form of one of his favorite animals. _

_ He was, however, surprised at how the sun seemed so much brighter in this form, and decided to make his way to a nice place  in the shade to admire the garden from. _

_ He was almost there when a pair of feet appeared in front of him, and a smiling Thor beaming down on him. _

_ Oh great. _

_ “Well hello there, little snake.” He bent and picked Loki up at an awkward angle. “How did you come to be in the gardens?” _

_ Loki wriggled in his grip, trying to get himself down. The more he moved, the firmer Thor’s grasp was, not willing to let him go. _

_ Thor was overly excited. “I should bring you to my brother! He would love this.” Still holding tightly to Loki, he started running back inside. _

_ Loki’s head bobbed to the pace of Thor’s footfalls, making him hit his head every time. It was becoming  incredibly  uncomfortable to remain like this. He needed to get Thor to put him down so he could turn back. He did the only thing that he could think to do. _

_ He bit him. _

_ “Ow!” Thor only slightly loosened his hold, but kept Loki in his hand. Rubbing his arm, he continued down the hall, at only a slightly slower pace. _

_ Ok, that’s quite enough of this , Loki thought after another few minutes of Thor searching in vain. Thor’s hand had moved and was squeezing harshly on Loki’s lungs now, making it hard to breathe. _

_ A glimmer of gold overtook Loki as he turned back into his normal form. _

_ What is this?” Thor asked aloud as he let go, dropping Loki to the ground as he did. _

_ “Ah, it’s me!” Loki stood, drawing his dagger and stabbing into Thor’s forearm, right over the bite wound. “Next time do not hold snakes so tightly, you fool. You were suffocating me!” _

_ “How was I supposed to know it was you?” _

_ “Well if I used my seidr right, you weren’t, but that’s not the  point .” _

_ “And the point in  stabbing me was what?” _

_ Loki shrugged. “You made me uncomfortable, I made you uncomfortable. We are equal.” _

_ “This is what you call equal?” _

_ “Oh, stop your sniveling, brother, you are fine.” He slid the dagger away and gestured a hand behind him. “Come on, then, I shall bring you to the healing room.” _

-:-

"My mother, I, was wondering if you would like to join us for dinner." 

She paused in running her finger along the script. "That is a very nice offer." 

A smile was pulling her lips but she frowned. Loki's chest felt a little tight at the sight of the confliction in her lips. Loki shifted to try to ease himself from the sensation in his chest. An ache forming prematurely but hopefully the wrong assumption of rejection.

Her voice was quiet in her confession. "I don't like crowds and I know the dining hall is always filled..."

Loki smiled nervously. "It seems she has already taken that into consideration… She wants to eat in her study tonight."

Loki waited as Alexandrite played with her extremely thick hair. He watched her hair go back to the curls as she pulled on a strand a little. "I think I need to train more. The Allmother is planning on putting me through a test soon."

Loki hummed as he gestured to the book. A silence enveloped the area for a moment before Loki could think of how to get more time with her.

"In transformation?"

She turned her head towards him and his breath steadily left him as a calm overtook him. Her facial features were as if made with soft clay, rounded and curved to highlight her eyes. Her exposed eye was a captivating series of greens and blues. She quickly glanced away and Loki wondered if he stared at her too long. 

He hoped he did not offend her.

Although, Loki wondered what the rest of her face looked like. To see both of her eyes must be just as mesmerizing.

Her fingers gliding over an image of a wolf had Loki pondering how many forms she could take.

Finally an answer. "In sorts. She is helping me expand my transformation choices. I am pretty new to this."

Loki smiled at fond memories… "My mother is an excellent teacher. I am sure you will do well."

Alexandrite closed the book and stood with a small, but perfect, curtsey. "Thank you prince Loki. I shall try to make it for dinner. I should go practice before seeing your mother again."

Loki stood as well, "I hope to see you for dinner then, and goodluck."

She bowed her head as she walked swiftly to the farthest exit point that went to a long hall. Loki thought for a moment before going the same way. He was rude to not ask to escort her and he could help her train. Seder was not something to practice alone. 

He was about to call for her but she was already gone… 

  
  
  



End file.
